Spreading the Plague of Stupidity

Greetings everyone. I have a particularly unsettling story today, involving a phenomenon that greatly plagues our society: the presence of germs, human filth, and stupidity. Now, I have come to grudgingly accept the fact that despite what they teach you in kindergarden, most people, for reasons unbeknownst to me, absolutely refuse to cover their mouths as they hack up phlegm. Gross, yes, but nothing a little hand sanitizer and some heavy doses of vitamin C won't fix. Today was different, however.

Due to an impending visit from corporate, everyone in the store was bustling around trying to make every department as clean as possible. I, however, found the store to be full of particularly nasty people today, as if they felt the need to come out in hordes to counteract our storewide cleanliness. I had just arrived this morning when a woman and her bratty little offspring came through my line. It was only after the little fucker had thrown his purchase at my face that I noticed he had a raging case of pink eye.

Now, I understand pink eye happens. I myself had it as a child. However, I found myself wondering, since when is it ok to bring your infected offspring to a store that is frequented by hundreds of people every day? When I had pink eye, I stayed home from school and locked away from society, wearing an eye patch and watching Disney films like some invalid pirate. Minus the scurvy, of course. I also understand that pink eye can be caused by particles of feces entering the eye. If Junior wants to finger-paint with his own shit, more power to him! I just don't want any part of it.

After picking up the toy they were buying by its corner with the tips of my fingers and tossing it into a bag, the kid starts molesting EVERYTHING. His infected eye, candy, back to his eye, the counter, back to his eye again, the credit card machine...I shot the mother, as well as her spawn, one of my famous death glares, but it went unnoticed. The mother was too busy giggling with the son, as if giving the diabetic cashier with the compromised immune system and no health insurance until May (a.k.a. ME) pink eye was just some huge fucking joke. Hilarious.
"Now now, I told you not to touch anything, silly!" the mother cooed, while the little fucker laughed and continued rubbing his infection all over my card reader.

After they left, I made a huge spectacle of disinfecting every inch of my register. I proceeded to spend the remainder of my shift trying to figure out whether the sudden itching I felt in my right eye was just my makeup, or the start of pink eye. So far so good, but you can never be too careful, especially around individuals plagued with both disease and stupidity. I'm just grateful every day that stupidity isn't contagious, for it is a dangerous epidemic and I would've fallen victim long ago due to overexposure.